


Acts of Courage

by Tarn



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Time, Humor, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 11:23:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarn/pseuds/Tarn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rimmer has just done something brave and completely out of character.  Now it's Lister's turn to be brave and take a chance on the smeghead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acts of Courage

**Author's Note:**

> New Notes: Double line spaces denote a change in POV. The sequel is about half written. Lets hope I finish it someday.
> 
> Original notes: This is my third attempt at this fandom and pairing. I only hope I'm doing it justice. I suppose technically this is AU in that it represents a divergent timeline where Rimmer and Lister are attracted to each other and act on it. Given that definition though, all slash is AU so using that tag seems useless somehow. Anyway, with Red Dwarf the statement of AU is even more meaningless. Since the series confirms, nay requires, the existence of multiple concurrent dimensions and timelines, it's hard to say which one is the primary one. So here's my version then.

Acts of Courage

"Rimmer." Lister said the name so softy that the man didn't respond. Rather than speaking again he just entered the room and sat down on a bunk. 

They sat in silence a moment before Rimmer looked up and blinked. "Oh. Is Kryten satisfied that you aren't going to explode or have a delayed reaction aneurysm?"

"Yeah. He's examining Cat now." Lister chuckled.

Rimmer snorted. "Wonderful. Hopefully we won't have to reassemble a mauled mechanoid tonight."

Lister smiled. "Especially since I plan to get pissed."

"Think I'll join you."

Silence took over again. Lister frowned. He had to ask the question. No use avoiding it. "What's the last thing you remember? Before we came to?"

He remembered dying but then he was back, just like that. It had been a bit like waking up from a bender. The same feeling of disorientation and non-recognition. Only this time the non-recognition was in part due to actual changes in Starbug's cockpit. These differences continued throughout the rest of the ship. Kryten said it looked like the two ships had merged to form one whole in a sort of time paradox rewrite. Lister hoped that there hadn't been any merging with their smegfaced future selves. He wasn't a brain in a jar so that was a good sign.

The hologram shrugged. "The Cat and you had both bit it and Kryten was starting to babble something about a way out when he went kablooie too. I was considering a nice panic attack when it flashed in my brain, the time drive! So I took a bazookoid and tried to blow it up."

"Saving us all." Lister grinned.

"Well, the other ship also hit us so maybe they did the saving." He shrugged again and crossed his arms. "I was mostly thinking about myself really. And I wanted to make sure those smeggy gimboids couldn't get their slimy hands on the drive."

Lister shook his head. "Why are you denying it, man? Even if they did get that last shot in, you're a hero. You saved Starbug and us."

Rimmer sighed. "I guess. I'm just not used to being a hero. I'm used to being the smeghead who legs it and leaves his friends stranded."

"Rimmer. Look we've been through that, man. You weren't thinking clear. It's in the past and besides this saving our sorry asses thing you just pulled? It more than makes up."

Lister watched the look on Rimmer's face change. His whole body changed in fact. His back straightened, his eyes sparkled and a look of pride and happiness replaced his usual sour expression. A wave of affection ran through Lister as he watched the man adjust his red jacket and shift to sit taller in his chair.

Red. The red jacket. Which meant that he was in softlight, probably to conserve power. Smeg. He needed to be in hardlight for Lister's plan to work. Could he just ask him? Rimmer, become solid so I can come on to you. Yeah, that would go over. Maybe he could do it more subtle like though. 

"Rimmer, has Kryten checked your lightbee out?"

"What?" The hologram looked puzzled.

"Your lightbee. Is it working alright? Do you still have hardlight?"

Rimmer looked down at himself. "Oh. I didn't even notice. I'm still not quite used to it."

There was a sudden odd tingle of energy in the room and Rimmer shifted from red to blue, soft to hard, in the space of a breath. He picked up one of Lister's stray hair ties from the table and shot it across the room at him. "Seems to be working."

"Good." Lister stood and crossed the small distance before he lost his nerve. He grabbed Rimmer's chair and pivoted it away from the table causing a loud squeak as it dragged over the floor.

 

Rimmer's surprised noise was quickly muffled by a pair of lips. And a tongue that was pretty much saying the tongue equivalent of "permission to come aboard, sir?". Lister was kissing him and there was nothing in the universe that could stop him from kissing back.

Except Lister pulling away and straightening up with a funny, sheepish look on his face. When he didn't say anything Rimmer uttered the first words that came to mind. "What are you doing?"

"I was kissing you." Lister said. It was weird how he could sound so matter of fact while looking utterly vulnerable. Rimmer had always known that Lister was a sap but to see the man's romantic twaddle directed at him was unfathomable. His own desire for the man, which was in constant battle with his disdain for him, was something that Rimmer had accepted as foolhardy and hopeless long ago. Lister would never in the slightest return his feelings. He was sure of it. And being sure of that had made it less frightening. Less likely to cause him pain. But apparently he'd been wrong.

"Why?" Rimmer squeaked out before he could stop himself. Did he want to know the answer to that?

"I wanted to. I've wanted to for a long time, even before Legion made you hardlight. But every time I'd almost worked up the nerve you'd do something so smegging petty and terrible that I just couldn't. So I've been keeping it all bottled." 

"Ah. But you're not anymore." A moment ago the room had been bigger, an after effect of the battle with their future selves. Now Rimmer felt as though it was shrinking. Closing in.

"You did do something pretty amazing and courageous. I'm starting to think I should encourage that sorta behavior." Lister's hand moved to tentatively brush through Rimmer's hair and over his ear.

Rimmer held back the shudder the touch had started. The last time he'd been touched like that had been Nirvanah. Their all too brief encounter felt like a lifetime ago. And considering how long he'd been trapped on Rimmerworld, it had been a smegging long time. But this was Lister and much as he might want to believe the slob wanted him, he couldn't risk it. He worked up a scoff and said. "And you think that propositioning me is a suitable reward for bravery?"

"Rimmer." The way he said the name, the knowing look, the frustrated sigh...

Oh smeg. Lister knew. He knew it all. The longing. The surreptitious glances. The dreams. He probably even knew about the stash of Lister artifacts he'd had squirreled away back on Red Dwarf. How he bribed a skutter to steal socks, drawers, bits of hair and photos. How he used to stare at the pile of ill gotten mementos and pretend to touch them imagining what they might feel like against his skin.

Rimmer braced for the ridicule that was now sure to come. It would be just like McGruder. She'd told all her smeggy pals how pathetic he'd been, he was sure of it. Why else hadn't she spoken to him again? The compulsion to run, to hide from the scorn he just knew was coming was so powerful it made his simulated pulse begin to race. Probably no good for his nerve disorder. 

Lister shook his head and sighed more deeply. "You're such a smeghead, Rimmer."

It was a funny thing to say before leaning down to kiss him again. Caught off guard, Rimmer was kissing back before he realized it. And reacting to the hands kneading his shoulders. And reaching his hands up to take hold of the other man's hips. It occurred to Rimmer that it was going to be difficult to deny everything with his tongue shoved down Lister's throat. He ignored that thought.

 

Touching the hardlight hologram was different than touching a regular human. It was a funny sorta tingly sensation. Kinda like when he used to scuff his feet over a carpet and pet Frankenstein. His lips were also oddly electric but Lister really couldn't be sure if this wasn't all just his own body's reaction to being touched after so long.

Rimmer wasn't holding back like he'd expected either. He was pushing up his T-shirt and touching any bit of skin he could reach. Lister was suddenly happy that Kryten had insisted on washing his union suit that morning though it meant that he had to work not to giggle into the man's mouth as his sensitive belly was caressed. Bolder still, now he was trying to work down the zip of his coverall. And failing.

"Rimmer man." He broke the kiss. "Let me do that. There's a trick to it."

The hologram blinked. "Sorry."

Lister watched him start to pull into himself again. Like an emotional turtle. Any moment he could expect a snide comment and a retreat. Best plan was to distract him before he did anything weaselly. First, sprint to the door and palm it closed and locked. Next, finish unzipping, strip off top of boiler suit and T-shirt and start undoing his boots. 

"Um. Lister." Rimmer was standing up now and eying the closed door with the kind of panic he usually reserved for life threatening situations and when someone suggested he do anything nice. 

"Oh no, you are not running away. You are also not going to say anything designed to hose me off. You are gonna stay right here, in this room and we are gonna find out what happens when Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer get naked together." Lister punctuated this statement by pushing down his coverall and drawers in the same movement. He kicked them away and took a step toward the other man.

"How do you plan to keep me quiet exactly?" Rimmer's voice hitched just a moment as the shorter man drew closer.

"I'll shove something in your mouth if I have to. Now strip." 

Rimmer smiled ever so slightly, nodded and scrunched his face up in concentration. His clothes shimmered a little and then blinked out leaving him completely naked.

Lister looked him up and down. It was time to do that thing he'd never let himself do before. He looked at Rimmer, really looked at him. Head to toe, with a lingering short stop somewhere in the middle section. His assessment? Not bad.

He pressed himself to the other man, feeling a funny jolt and the return of that curious electric sensation. Like a wool afghan during a dry winter. It sparked over his skin appealingly. Just tip his head up a bit and grab a hold of the back of Rimmer's neck and they were kissing again and rubbing against each other in an encouraging manner. Lister decided that kissing Rimmer was now officially one of his favorite things. Up there with vindaloo, his guitar and lager. Maybe doing other things to Rimmer would also rank as high. He had a feeling that they would. The man's hands were gripping and caressing his back in a way he liked a lot. Less of the scratching thing that women tended to do. Lister let his own hands do some roaming. Shoulders. Chest. Nipples. Sides. Stomach... which was apparently ticklish.

Rimmer pulled from the kisses to jerk away, sputtering with giggles.

"We both have ticklish bellies, then?" Lister took the opportunity to drag Rimer toward a bunk. "Wish these weren't so smegging narrow. Maybe we should try the floor?"

"Too hard. Don't want hard." Rimmer said quickly.

"Oh, I don't know. I think I like you hard. Hang on..." Lister moved closer to a panel of buttons next to the bunk alcove. One was marked single, the other double. He pressed the double button and suddenly the bed whirred and expanded to form a wider bed, the sheets seeming to stretch to accommodate the new size. 

"Hey hey, that's a bit of alright. Another of the new changes I'll wager. And lucky us about to put it to good use." Lister waggled his eyebrows, then grinned wider at Rimmer's blush. "Now that's just adorable, Rimmer. Or should I call you Arnie?"

Lister's breath was knocked from him as he was bowled over onto the bed. More weight than he'd expected from a hologram was suddenly pressing down on him and Rimmer was giving him a smarmy grin.

"You can call me Duke."

Rimmer's sexy look might have had more of an effect if Lister hadn't seen him practicing it in the mirror so many times. He chuckled and wiggled a little under the other man. "No I can't. Least not if you want me to it without laughing. Come on Rimsy, let me up."

"Ah ah ah, indestructible hologram gets top."

The mischievous grin did have an effect. Was this the Rimmer that that Nirvanah bird had seen? Is this why she fell for him? Lister couldn't help grinning back as he pushed at the man's shoulders half-heartedly. "Says who?"

"The indestructible hologram." Rimmer was starting to drop little kisses over Lister's face and neck while rubbing other parts of himself against his hip and stomach.

"Oh no, I know you've never done this. No chance I'm letting you near me bum first time out." He pulled himself upwards, a side effect of which was stroking himself against the man from hip to chest and ending up pinned again with Rimmer nuzzling his stomach.

"What, you're saying you have had experience in these matters? Lister's sordid gay past. Were you a rent-boy on Mimas as well as a thief?"

"Nothing like that. But I did go to art college didn't I? One of the orientation courses might as well have been Sexual Experimentation 101." He grinned and bent forward to drop a kiss on the top of Rimmer's head.

"You went for one day. How much could you have experimented?"

"Well, I kept going to the parties. But yeah I left before I could take the advanced course, Bisexuality 220. Starting to think I should have stuck round for it. Smeg Rimmer, we'd better get moving before Kryten comes looking for us."

Rimmer snorted. "Yes I can just imagine trying to explain this. Lister and I were just testing our reaction to the time paradox by engaging in oral sex. It's a tried and true method I learned in my Space Scouts survival course as a lad."

"You gave some bloke a blow job at your survival course?" Lister sputtered.

Rimmer's eyes grew huge suddenly. "No. Of course not."

Lister searched the hologram's face for any of the tell-tale signs that he was lying. Rimmer's lies were generally about great achievements and sexual experience he hadn't had, not ones he was trying to hide. "You're lying."

"Uhhh." Rimmer began to get that constipated look that he did when he was trying to get out of something or cover his arse. 

"Oh, now I'm certain you're lying. You totally did, you great poof!" Lister chuckled at the man. 

Who frowned sourly in response. "Look who's calling who a poof. You came on to me." 

"And you responded. Rimmer it's stupid to deny it isn't it?" Lister grinned. "Look at us."

Rimmer rolled back on his knees and looked down. "Er. Well, alright, yes. Are you happy?"

"Yeah. So who was he? Hopefully not your Scout Leader." Lister reached down and begun stroking himself. It had worked before with shy birds he'd been with. You start without them and see if they join in.

 

Rimmer watched Lister's hand moving over his cock, pulling the foreskin up and down over the head in a strange erotic peekaboo. "No. His name was William Charles Danforth III. Older, an assistant camp counselor. He was the sort of blond, fresh faced youth all the younger boys worshiped. I was fourteen, summer before I divorced my parents. I'd barely even kissed a girl and there I was servicing some Aryan poster-boy during a night patrol. My one and only gay experience, up to now. Two days later William and another boy went out on a long distance hike and never came back."

The hand stopped moving. "I'm sorry. Did they ever find the bodies?"

"What? They didn't die. They just hiked to a roadway and hitched a ride to Io City. Last I heard they got married and opened a catering business." Rimmer smirked and shook his head. "First in a long line of possible relationships I've botched. He asked me to go hiking first and I chickened out. I could have had a life making tarts and custards for weddings and retirement dinners."

 

A weird look of resolve and determination took over Rimmer's face. "Smeg it."

Lister's hand was pushed away as his cock was suddenly and completely enveloped in the glorious, warm, electric, wonderful of Rimmer's mouth. And he could do smeg all besides whimpering and melting into the bunk as his brain turned to mush in mere minutes. The mouth enveloping him was unlike any he'd ever experienced. And it wasn't just that it had been so long since anything other than an AR sprite had done this sort of thing to him. He'd been expecting this to be a little like those encounters, but it really wasn't.

 

Rimmer was trying not to think about the situation too much. When he did ponder it thoughts like 'What are you doing? You've got Lister's wedding tackle in your mouth' kept coming up. Thinking had very nearly stopped him from doing this and now that he'd started he didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep right on flicking his tongue along the underside of the shaft while the head of Lister's cock pushed still further down his throat.

An unforeseen advantage of being a hologram was the apparent lack of a gag reflex. He did have to put up with the indignity of his nose being tickled by Lister's short hairs though. Best not to think about how long ago the slob's last bath had been either. He focused instead on the sounds the man was making; happy noises, not dissimilar to those made while ingesting curries, pappadoms and other such gastronomic atrocities. Now if he applied a hand to fondle his scrotum as well? Ah yes, a few cans of lager had just been added to the meal.

A deliciously smug delight overtook Rimmer. The glorious satisfaction of a job done right. He could make Lister squirm and pant and moan and gasp his name. His mouth. His hand. Him. Arnold J. Rimmer could reduce Dave "Slobo" Lister to a whimpering mass. 

The warm feeling of accomplishment prompted Rimmer to employ his right hand on his own eager flesh, flesh being a relative term in his case. Legion might have been a flaming wackjob but he should be admitted direct to wackjob heaven for making him hardlight. He let Lister's actual flesh slip from between his lips, allowing himself a private smirk at the man's whine of protest. The sound turned to a happy groan as Rimmer shifted his attention to Lister's nadgers.

 

"Smeg man. Have you been watching porn instruction vids behind me back?"

A contemptuous snort against his knackers was the only answer he got. Lister updated his list of favorites; vindaloo, his guitar, lager and anything involving Rimmer's mouth aside from speaking. The desire to stuff something in the man's gob to shut him up had existed before the hardlight drive had made it possible, but this really wasn't what he'd had in mind. Well, sometimes it had been but not that often. Now it would be near impossible not to imagine silencing the smeghead like this.

Being pulled again into the warm, dry but soft and electric mouth was so good Lister couldn't keep from bucking his hips up to push in deeper. It was obscene how much Rimmer could take. He was reminded of how strong the hardlight hologram was when a hand pressed him back down against the mattress with just a light shove to his hip.

He held him there with so little effort as he started to alternate between swirling his tongue around the head and then sucking the length of his cock down to the root. Head then root, head then root. Over and over until Lister was sure his brain was melting and dribbling out his ears.

Lister propped himself up on his elbows to watch in fascination as Rimmer continued to swallow him whole with abandon. The view was unquestionable naughty. More so because the man was wanking it something fierce as well.

It was too much. Lister fell back down onto the bed and turned his head to bite into the pillow and his locks. It muffled his cry as he shot into Rimmer's face. He'd managed to catch him on one of the head swirls.

The look of surprise and indignation on the hologram's face was smegging priceless. Lister sputtered as he fought for breath and against laughter. "I'm sorry Rimmer. I wasn't trying for a facial, really I wasn't"

"Oh, it's quite alright. I've always wanted to look like a coverboy for cumshot monthly." He said snidely as he sat back and wiped his face with the edge of the sheet.

"Rimmer." Lister shook his head. "How about I make it up to you?"

 

The eyebrow waggle again. How Lister thought that was sexy was beyond him. It was sickeningly cute however. "And just how do you intend to do that?"

"How would you like me to, Big Man?" Lister sat up, leaned forward and took hold of Rimmer's prick.

It felt wonderful. A hand aside from his own stroking and fondling. Rimmer closed his eyes, then realized that unlike most times he'd didn't need to imagine it was Lister touching him. He opened them to see an odd questioning look on the other man's face.

"What?"

"It's nothing. Only..." Lister cocked his head. "Did you come already?"

"Oh. Erm. Yes?" Rimmer shifted nervously, not that you can shift about much when someone's got a handful of you.

"Wow." Lister looked impressed. "I didn't even notice. Course, I was kinda distracted. Didn't take you long to get back to full mast again did it?"

Rimmer smiled sheepishly. "It never does. Even when I was alive. If McGruder hadn't kicked me out after the pizza she'd have had a better night."

 

"Her loss." The look on Lister's face was far more serious than one should have while engaged in a handjob. He couldn't help it. It had been a long time since he'd touched another bloke, even if you didn't count the 3 million plus years in stasis. That had been Quentin, a complete tosser and the second man he'd slept with. A rebound fling after the break-up with Lisa Yates, the man did to him pretty much what he'd done to her. At the time, the irony had been entirely lost on Lister. 

Quentin had been a cocky bastard who used anyone and everyone around him for his own purpose. By comparison, Rimmer was a pretty decent human being actually. Not nearly so much fun but more reliable; petty cowardice was at least predictable. Lister had the sudden and strange conviction he'd been having for some time now that Arnold Rimmer had the potential to be more if given the chance. 

So why not give it to him? "Rimmer, remember what I said about you not getting near me bum?"

"Yes?"

"Forget I said it." 

 

And Rimmer was being kissed again, hard. His brain was still processing Lister's words and doing a Morris dance of joy. Some part of him wanted to panic but other parts were already trussing up and gagging his anxiety so it didn't muck things up. There was a whirl of lips and hands, Lister stroking Rimmer and Rimmer returning the touch. For a moment he thought the other man had abandoned the idea in favor of something less frightening. But suddenly Lister had let go of him and was searching about the bed for something. He made an 'a-ha' of discovery and sat up holding a bottle of what looked suspiciously like baby oil. 

"Knew I had some stashed in here." Lister squeezed a puddle into his hand and applied it to Rimmer's cock.

"Is this remotely sanitary?" His brow furrowed in distinct contrast to the action of his prick being oiled and fondled. Even he knew it didn't make sense. 

"Rimmer, you're about to bugger me. Is sanitation something you're really worried about?" Lister gave him a pointed look.

"Alright you have a point. Still..." Rimmer managed to continue looking unsure. 

"Look we can have a shower after if you like." He reached behind himself to wipe excess oil onto his anus. 

It was such a strangely erotic and slapdash action that Rimmer couldn't help finding it endearing. It was so Lister. Plus the idea of bathing the man had a queer appeal, in both meanings of the word. He grinned enthusiastically. "Ok."

Lister flipped onto all fours and wiggled his ass in invitation. "Come on then, tiger."

Rimmer blinked at the sight of Lister's back and round posterior. It was a sort of creamy, coffee color. Inviting and yet scary as hell. "What do I do exactly?"

"Do what comes natural."

"Natural? What comes natural to me is curling into a fetal position in the corner and whimpering. Help me out here, Lister." He did work up the courage to let his hand drop gently on the other man's lower back and rub lightly. The little shudder it caused was very satisfying indeed.

"Ok. Grab the oil bottle. Get some on your hand and rub it into me arse-hole." Lister's voice was level and patient.

Rimmer hesitated, his hand frozen in place against Lister's skin. "Please tell me you've bathed recently."

"Yes, yes, I have. Just this morning in fact. Had a really big bowel movement before too if it makes you feel any better." Lister said, the patience having left his voice.

"Not particularly, but it will have to do. So, like this?" Rimmer picked up the bottle and attempted to pour some onto his hand. The bottle had other ideas however and a squirt of oil shot out to land on Lister's lower back.

"That works too." He said with a chuckle. 

"Stupid bottle." Rimmer grumbled as he stroked the oil downward over the orifice. Instinctively he followed the shape in a circular motion. 

"Yeah." Lister's voice was husky. "Now get a bit more in there and start to slide in. Real gentle like."

Rimmer went as slowly and carefully as could manage but the oil proved too slick. Lister squealed as he was abruptly impaled on two fingers to the last knuckles.

"That wasn't gentle." He squeaked out between clenched teeth. 

"Sorry, sorry." Rimmer pulled out a little and slid back in more slowly. He did this a few more times as Lister relaxed. A little wiggling about and the man was making happy, groany noises again. And starting to push his hips back to take more fingers in.

"Rimmer..."

The name was said in a weirdly desperate and needy manner. He'd never heard Lister sound quite like that before. It was... interesting. Arousing. It made him feel... funny. And, eager.

He twisted his fingers again experimentally and was rewarded by a throaty moan and more of the hip movements. "I'm going to assume you'd like to advance this to the next level."

"Smeg Rimmer." The tone now was pleading. 

Oh yes, Lister was begging for it. The sad whimper at the removal of his fingers made it abundantly clear. With smug satisfaction Rimmer snatched up the oil bottle again and got himself good and slippery. With a farewell salute to his doubt he placed his cock at the doorway then walked right in and took over the place.

Lister's response was to grind out a 'yes' and start pushing his body back to meet the hologram's lunges. Speech was lost, replaced by grunts and moans as the two men thrust and ground together. Rimmer gripped hard on Lister's hips, digging blunt nails into the man's flesh as he pushed repeatedly into the tight perfection. So many years of longing. Rimmer wanted to cry but more he wanted to keep buggering Lister until the universe collapsed. Sadly that simply wasn't going to happen.

 

True to Rimmer form he was climaxing before he quite knew what was happening. Lister's only warning was a momentary harder squeeze to his likely bruised hips and the man sorta sobbing his name. For a split second he was disappointed that the hologram had finished so quick, then the unexpected feeling that someone had applied a live wire to his prostate hit him. Charged light particles were dancing inside him and making him come so hard he thought his head might have exploded. He bellowed in joy and fell forward on the bunk panting and grinning like a fool.

"Smegging hell, Arne." Lister said when he could finally speak. "You should have warned me. I think you almost gave me a heart attack."

Rimmer gave an apologetic shrug before moving to lay next to the other man. "I didn't know. I've only had sex with another hologram or AR sprites since I died. Was it alright?"

"Alright? It was smegging glorious. I should have jumped you as soon as Legion gave you the hardlight. I'd have spent the last year a whole lot more satisfied." Lister snuggled against the other man.

"I take it then there will be repeat performances?" Rimmer's smile was bashful, but hopeful. 

Lister chuckled. "I think you'll have to knock me out to keep me out of your uniform on a nightly basis."

"Humph. I suppose you'd prefer if I just didn't bother wearing my uniform in private. Make things easier for you." Rimmer's tone was accusatory, but strangely flirty.

"Sounds good to me." Lister grinned, shrugged and moved to kiss him.

"Eeewww!"

The sudden exclamation made both men's eyes grow wide and turn toward the door to find the Cat and Kryten staring at them in abject horror. Cat looked like he was going to be ill and Kryten's mouth was open so far that his jaw might have come unhinged. The mechanoid's eyes were also so bugged out it looked like they might pop from their sockets and roll round the floor.

"Smeg!!" Lister grabbed the sheet and pulled it over the both of them as Rimmer curled into himself to hide under the covers. "What are you doing in here?!?" 

Kryten recovered first, pushing his left eyeball back into its socket. "I'm sorry Mr. Lister, Sir. I heard noises and thought something terrible had happened. When I found the door locked I overrode the controls. Forgive me this horrendous breach of trust Sirs." 

"Something terrible did happen. I can't look anymore." The Cat whirled on the balls of his feet gracefully and stared at the wall.

 

Rimmer had the distinct desire to switch to softlight and pass into the bed itself, but Lister's hand on his shoulder stopped him. His heart leapt. Maybe he wasn't going to be rejected and ridiculed.

"Come on, Cat. Don't be a goit. Yeah, Rimmer and I shagged. We're gonna do it again too. Might start snogging in the cockpit as well."

"I don't wanna hear this." Cat shoved his fingers in his ears and started singing randomly. 

 

Kryten watched him in embarrassment and then turned back to Mr. Lister and the Mr. Rimmer shaped lump under the sheet. He consulted his programing for anything that might help him deal with this development. "Would Sirs like a post coital beverage or snack? I could whip up something in a jiffy." 

 

"No, Kryten. We're fine. We're going to have a shower and come to dinner later. Now get the smeg out both of you." Lister glared at them both.

"Eeww, a shower." Cat whined as Kryten gave Lister an apologetic look and directed the Felis sapien out of the room.

The door whispered shut again. Lister sighed. It was hard enough getting Rimmer to this point, he hoped this didn't ruin any chance of a continued relationship. "They're gone Rimmer."

The hologram slowly appeared from under the sheet. He looked positively spooked. 

"Look, they were gonna find out sooner or later anyway." Lister wrapped his arms around the man's shoulders. Rimmer changed his position a little to fit better into the embrace. 

"I suppose but I would have liked a little time to sneak around behind their backs. I've never had a clandestine love affair. Might have been romantic."

"It's not really. You just end up naked at Oscar Wilde plays." Lister kissed Rimmer's shoulder affectionately. "Shall we have that shower then?"

Rimmer sighed and nodded. He untangled himself from the bed and stood watching Lister as he scratched him belly and got off the bunk. He frowned to himself. "Dave?"

Lister looked up, then grinned. "Yeah?"

"Just testing it. It feels weird though." He shook his head.

"You're not used to it. I'll make you scream it a couple dozen times and it'll come easier." Lister grabbed Rimmer's hand and dragged him toward the shower.

"Sure you won't called me Duke?"

"I'm sure, Arne." He grinned, opened the shower door and shoved Rimmer in. He didn't stand outside the door long before he was pulled into the stall as well. 

The shower started, almost muffling the laughter of the hologram and the space bum. 

End


End file.
